Where Everybody Knows

You don't see one of these on every corner here in Texas

Zelda’s husband is funny and as sarcastic as I am. Today Zelda and I took a little road trip to the bank and once again didn’t steal the corporation’s money. Our restraint is amazing. Instead she told me her husband came up with some gay lyrics to the theme song from the television series Cheers. By gay, I don’t mean his lyrics were lame. In fact, they were hilarious and about a gay bar. He told Zelda to tell ‘Have You Shanked a Rude Asshole Yet?’ about his song parody. I loved it and decided to write one of my own.

Before the Political Correctness Police come to kick in my door, I’d like to make it clear that I love gay guys. They don’t fuck with my head. They’d be quick to compliment my attire if I ever dressed in anyway which didn’t make me resemble a bag lady. A bag lady with a lot of cats. They smell good and rarely vote Republican. Gay guys, not cats. Cats are not allowed to vote, although I’m sure their voting record would be sound.

My best friend Moses is gay and so is his incredibly good-looking boyfriend Paul, who might be too good for Moses. I say this because Paul thinks I’m amazing. At least that’s what he tells me and whether he means it or not doesn’t really matter, now does it? Moses thinks I’m amazing and pretends he thinks I’m a geriatric dork. I’m certain the only companions I could tolerate on a trip around the world would have to be gay. Not lesbians though. Lesbians are women and women are batshit crazy. Except for me. Unless I’m forced to be around women. Like for eight to ten hours a day at work.

What was my point? Oh, yeah. This is a disclaimer for anyone sufficiently masochistic to read the following song parody. Be sure and sing it to the tune from the theme song from Cheers – Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

Where Everybody Knows You’re Gay

Making your way past bigots today
Takes everything you’ve got
Taking a break from homophobes
And remembering that you’re hot
Isn’t it great to be a gay?

All those nights when you get in fights
Because you sometimes swish
It’s the way of nature
But at times you have to wish
They’d get a life and leave you alone
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows you’re gay
And they’re always up for play
You want to be where you can see
Leather chaps, penis straws and brie
You want to be where everybody knows you’re gay.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Cockster is dead
The morning’s looking bleak
Your shrink is running for Congress
To vote against you freaks
And your boyfriend wants to date a girl.

Be glad there’s one place in the world
Where everybody knows you’re gay
And they’re fans of Tina Fey
You want to go where hot guys know
Who gives the best bee jay
You want to go where everybody knows you’re gay.