SPOILER ALERT! For those who have never read my Demented Movie Reviews, I always give away everything. I suggest this is a humanitarian gesture to discourage movie lovers from watching any of these movies.
Chupacabra vs the Alamo is another SyFy Channel original film. Seriously, they should have stopped with Sharktopus. I suggest the people responsible for Mystery Science Theater 3000 tune in to the SyFy Channel if they ever decided to recreate their great premise of mocking every detail of truly bad B movies.
Chupacabra vs. the Alamo is set in San Antonio, Texas. Supposedly. At the beginning of the film there’s footage of a skyline which was actually a mock city, the kind developers might use to get funding for projects. I swear the skyscrapers were made of poster board. Great sixth grade project, little Hector or Maria. Ay, Dios! (Hereinafter I will be tossing out random words in Spanish to demonstrate that being a native Texan and living in San Antonio has not been wasted.
Erik Estrada is the muy magnifico star of this film. As my viewing partner stated, “That guy has never been south of Colorado.” I assume he’s correct, as Estrada wore a black leather jacket the entire movie. For those of you who have never been to San Antonio, it’s fucking hot. All the time.
If you’re younger than 20, you may not know who Erik Estrada is. He starred in CHiPS, along with Larry Wilcox (who?) which was a show in the 70s about the California Highway Patrol. They rode motorcycles. Estrada rode one in this movie, albeit in front of a green screen most of the time. I pouted a lot during those scenes because I thought any idiot filming him with a digital camera while sitting in the back of a pickup truck could have made it look more realistic. Then I remembered the point of B movies. To suck as much as possible.
I never watched CHiPS, so took the time this morning to look Estrada up on Wikipedia. I’ve never met a single Estrada, but maybe that’s because he’s of Puerto Rican descent. (Way to give local Hispanics a chance for a small paycheck, SyFy Channel.) In 1979 he was voted one of People Magazine’s 10 Sexiest Bachelors in the World. Here’s a tip for women with the opportunity to hook one of those guys: Watch this movie. Estrada’s character on CHiPS was named Francis “Ponch” Poncherello, but these days you can call him Paunch. Fat old men should never wear black leather. I bet most of the population of San Antonio would love to know that he played a character in the epic WW II film Midway. In that film his nickname was Chili Bean Ramos. I will give the guy credit for being a spokesperson for D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) although I’m not sure how well the program really works. I once watched a video of a bunch of high school seniors getting wasted while wearing their D.A.R.E. t-shirts.
My assessment of Estrada is that he can’t act. El grande ham.
The movie starts with members of a drug cartel in a tunnel which stretches from Mexico to San Antonio; a distance of approximately 168 miles. A Great Wall of China sort of tunnel. The men are attacked and slaughtered by what appears in the shadows to be cute little pot belly pigs. I immediately began berating their machismo. I think the word “pussies” might have been vocalized.
Enter Estrada who plays DEA agent Carlos Seguin. He meets his new partner who happens to have big boobs and a Ph.D. Her theory as to what happened to the drug dealers was so imbecilic I suspect she got that doctorate online. I’m not sure where she got the tetas grandes.
Meanwhile, the chupacabras are on the move…trotting down one of San Antonio’s busy freeways. Supposedly. They take the time to kill another DEA agent and his German Shepard, along with two college co-eds on their way to Mexico for Cinco de Mayo.
Seguin’s daughter Sienna sneaks out to go to a party being held on high school property. The football field, to be specific. Obviously not school-sponsored since the students built a bonfire, brought and consumed mucho cerveza and were having as much sex as allowed on the SyFy Channel. The daughter’s best friend Brooke was making out with her boyfriend until he decided it would be a good idea to whip out his dick to take a leak. As anyone should know, nothing says tasty midnight snack to a chupacabra like an exposed dick. Exit penis. Brooke goes into shock when he staggers back to her, sans pleasure stick. She wanders back to Sienna and her boyfriend, but can’t seem to articulate anything. In the background a chupacabra tackles a boy.
By this time, we can see the chupacabras have morphed from shadowy pot belly pigs, to what looks like a cross between a pit bull, a greyhound and a hairless chihuahua. Ugly things who seem to have studied martial arts to the point of being black belts. One of them actually uses a move that sends a guy sailing through the football goal posts. Dos points!
A muchacho screams my favorite moment from the entire film. “We got chupacabras all up in here!”
The girls run and Brooke is texting the entire time. No doubt her future boyfriend, because let’s face it. Nobody want a boyfriend who doesn’t have a dick. They manage to get into the school, since some lazy bastard didn’t lock the door, and hide under a teacher’s desk. The chupacabra chasing them opens the door with his jaws. That’s right. Chupacabras are way smarter than zombies. I assume the long stream of slow-dripping yuck that landed near the girls was drool, but the special effects guys at the SyFy Channel might have been watching porn right before they worked on that scene. If you get my drift.
Daddy saves the day and takes the girls back to his house, where of course the bad doggies find them. Sienna takes care of one with a battery-operated turkey carver and Brooke takes a hot iron and burns one in the face. Very unbelievable because there is not one teenage girl on the planet who even knows what an iron is. Sienna also shoves one in the microwave and turns it on. How very Gremlins.
The movie has a twist. Seguin’s son Tommy is a gang banger. The actor playing Tommy looked Asian to me, but I looked him up and his name is Jorge Vargas. You don’t get more Hispanic than that, so I guess he’ll pass. After being informed that the National Guard can’t get to San Antonio until the next day, Seguin enlists the help of Tommy and his fellow gang members to stop the chupacabra attacks. I don’t know how the City survives, with only four military bases supporting approximately 90,000 military personnel, not to mention a police force of 3,000. But Gracias to Jesus Seguin was able to enlist the services of six gang-bangers.
They hole up in the Alamo, where a very gay-appearing tour guide wearing a Davy Crockett coonskin hat helps them lock it down. Naturally, Seguin calls him Crockett. Why bother learning his name? They are trapped by mucho chupacabras and Crockett informs them that during the siege of the Alamo, Colonel Travis supposedly had an escape tunnel, but nobody has ever found it. That resourceful Crockett! He opens a door with a key and right before his eyes is a boarded up tunnel. He says, “You’ve got to be kidding.” I said almost the same thing. “What a crock of fucking shit.”
Seguin gets Tommy to plant C-4 everywhere, they escape through the tunnels after all the gang bangers except Tommy are eaten alive, and then they blow the shit out of the Alamo. I bet the caretakers of the Alamo, the Daughters of the Republic of Texas haven’t been so outraged since Ozzy Osboune took a leak on the walls of the famous and sacred mission.
I’m not certain if every chupacabra died, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a SyFy original movie featuring piranacabra at Sea World San Antonio.