Defeatist Letter to America

Loving bacon too much might get your dick bitten off.

Okay, America. You win. I’ve tried to talk sense into you regarding your penchant for buying crap. You don’t seem to care about all the lost jobs or the slave factories in China where there are suicide nets to keep the workers alive when they jump due to the horrendous working conditions. America, you love your cheap crap more than you love doing the right thing.

America, I was still willing to fight for you until I saw the following product, which no doubt you’ve all rushed out to buy.

Bacon flavored condoms and bacon flavored lube. Really, America? I love bacon, but your poor choices are almost enough to make me become a vegetarian and definitely enough to make me swear off blow jobs. You would actually buy a condom with the slogan – MAKE YOUR MEAT LOOK LIKE MEAT.

The only thing more depressing than that slogan is J&D Foods not using the slogan – FOR WHEN YOU REALLY WANNA PORKER.

Carry on, America. If you need me, I’ll be over here in the corner weeping as I try to enjoy a slice of actual bacon.

8 (OPTIMISTIC) INCHES OF GROSS ME OUT

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About kat

I'm a native Texan who loathes cowboy hats and boots and would rather place a colony of fire ants in my ear canal than listen to country music. I spend way too much time managing a bookstore in San Antonio. After my death, I'm requesting my ashes be placed in the gas tank of my ex-husband's most expensive vehicle. I have a daughter who is reluctant to honor that request, so I'm looking for volunteers.
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2 Responses to Defeatist Letter to America

  1. BACON FLAVOURED CONDOMS???? The mind boggles… :(

  2. I was planning on living another thirty years, but if this in the direction we’re going…hmm, maybe not.

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