Will Satirize for Food

50 Shades of Prejudice

Posted in My Sparkling Existence

The other day I pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store to purchase a pack of smokes.  Rolling in ahead of me was a middle-aged man on a bike.  Not a spankex-wearing man, pumped full of Tour de France-winning steroids. This bike-riding man rode a bike because he’d been caught one too many times drinking and driving.  Probably.  He entered the store about 20 seconds before me and as I walked up behind him, he said to the white male clerk, “I worked at a convenience store for eight years and was robbed twice.”  Then he turned to me and said, “Lady, I don’t mean to sound prejudiced, but once was by a nigger with a gun and the other was by a Mescan with a knife.”

After hearing that, I once again made a mental note to be thankful there have never in our long history been any white criminals in America.  (Cue the theme music to COPs: Domestic Disturbance Edition and turn on C-Span.)

prejudice – an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.

racist – a person who believes in racism, the doctrine that a certain human race is superior to any or all others.

The man in the convenience store who didn’t mean to sound prejudiced proved beyond any doubt he is a racist.  Apologizing ahead of time by calling me lady does not get him off the hook; in fact, his sick world view means he’s probably skewered by it for his lifetime.

I truly don’t get racism, but I’ll make no apologies for my prejudices.  To quote Rizzo from the musical Grease, … “that’s a thing I’d never do.”

I’m an equal opportunity hater.  You cut me off in traffic, I’ll call you an asshole.  I don’t give one tiny shit what color you are.  In my world, you’re a bad driver who should have never received a driver’s license.

If I’m approached by a black man in a deserted parking garage, or in an otherwise empty elevator, or on a hiking trail in the woods, I get nervous.  The exact same thing happens if I’m approached by a white man.  I don’t slouch through my idiotic life being terrified, but it’s common sense to be wary of any stranger who is physically stronger than me; even aliens.  And no, I’m not talking about Mexican citizens on this side of the border, I’m talking about extraterrestrial beings who have been waiting years to get me alone so they can anally probe me.

My favorite quote is – You’ll get nothing and like it. – Caddyshack

My second favorite quote is – Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Note:  The only reason the Caddyshack quote is included is so I don’t have to individually respond to the thousands of readers who will want to know what my favorite quote is after they read this.

I wonder if Dr. King thought the world would be a less dangerous place by now.  It might have been if a sincerely ignorant and conscientiously stupid man hadn’t killed him. We’ll never know thanks to racism.

Prejudices are more subtle than racism.

My Personal 50 Shades of Prejudice, Plus or Minus 43 Shades

DWI – Dressing Without Instructions – A wispy teen wearing a lime green leotard, funky plaid sneakers, a New York Yankees t-shirt and a hot pink tutu looks adorable, even if it’s a wispy male teen.  A 273 pound woman does not look adorable in the same outfit.

Butt cracks should only be used as a roadmap/funnel to direct shit from our bodies.  They should not be used as a fashion statement by either super models or plumbers.

People whose vocabulary is devoid of the words please and thank you.  Were you raised by self-centered, ungrateful cats?

Walking up to me at the book information desk and saying only two words.  For example, those two words might be:  Glenn Beck.  How am I supposed to respond to that?  Are you introducing yourself to me?  I doubt you’re Glenn Beck because you smell way too old.  Do you think I’m Glenn Beck?  I can’t be because his boobs are bigger than mine.  Right away you’ve hit the Prejudice Trifecta.  1) You didn’t ask me to please direct you to books by Glenn Beck contributors.  (I’m not being a bitch here; the guy really doesn’t write those books.)  2) You pay money to read books not written by someone whose name is plastered in 30-point type on the covers, thereby indicating a level of sheeplike stupidity; and  3) Like the cult member you are, you race to buy anything Glenn Beck recommends.

Neighbors who don’t understand property lines and minding their own business.  Neighbors who think they are living a daily episode of Everyone Love Raymond.  Guess what?  You’re not funny.  You make me want to strap on my fat ninja suit and inject liquid ghost chili pepper into your tubes of Preparation H.

Get off your fucking cell phone while driving.  I mean it.

Owners of giant poodles who think it’s a good idea to turn their dogs into walking, pissing topiaries.

I guarantee that there’s not a person alive who doesn’t have prejudices, but I’m weary of this racism shit.  People are different, people.  Embrace their differences.  Share yours with them.  If you can’t do that, then at least keep your moronic thoughts to yourselves.  They are not welcome in my world.

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  1. 4 commenti per: “50 Shades of Prejudice”

  2. By Michelle Montgomery on Mar 16, 2013

    Are poodles with a lamb cut okay?
    Spot on otherwise.

  3. By Kate on Mar 16, 2013

    I LOVE it!!!

  4. By NE1e1 on Jul 23, 2013

    71259 889915Deference to op , some superb entropy. 500815

  5. By old mobile movies on Jul 27, 2013

    451940 660470I just couldn

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