The Remote Control Terrorist hurt my feelings the other day. We had just finished watching a YouTube video of Ashleigh and Pudsey, winners of Britain’s Got Talent.
He looked at me and said, “The producers of The Amazing Race should pick that dog for their show instead of you and Jeni Decker. There’s no way the two of you could beat that dog.”
They should do no such thing. Sure Ashleigh is an attractive teen with a great body. And certainly Pudsey is a talented dog with less hair on his face than I have on mine.
But a dog competing on The Amazing Race is ridiculous.
How is that dog going to rappel down the side of a building? That’s something Jeni and I can both do as long as the people on the ground don’t mind being showered with what I like to call terror pee.
What about zip-lining? When I zipped across the neon skies of Vegas, the tight harness gave me an extra two butts, each one larger than Ashleigh’s. Pudsey looks pretty small to fit in one. Ratings might increase when he slips through the harness and falls howling to his death, but I doubt it would be worth it to the producers when PETA finds out.
I bet the Remote Control Terrorist didn’t even consider India. If poor Pudsey gets separated from his beloved Ashleigh, the next snack she eats at a sidewalk vendor could be a Pudsey Kabab. There goes her £500,000 winnings to a therapist.
There are a million ways for us to beat Pudsey while competing on The Amazing Race. But SlimJims™ are our secret weapon. As long as the dog doesn’t watch the following video, we’ll be picked instead of him no matter how fucking adorable he is.