IF YOU WANT TO PRACTICE LAW IN THIS TOWN
YOU BETTER WEAR A CUP
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Latest on Tue, 09:05 am : I used to think I was awesome and then I found you. My only consolation is that though you may have been funny before [...] : I love your blog. Hell, I love Jeni's blog. But I can't seem to follow you. MMMM...no blog stalking allowed? LOL. [...] : I don't like the fact that I have to excercise extra bladder control when I read your stuff. Great site, but what's that smell? |
I’ll soon be posting more information about Westley Weasel, Private Dick: The Case for Castration , but for now, here’s a tease.  Bring me banana pudding or die!  I Miss Brian Boitano I don’t play sports and rarely watch them, but I’m a huge sports movie junkie. If my sports don’t come with drama, romance and a cool soundtrack, I don’t care about them. Before you point your finger and accuse me of being a total barbarian, I’ll mention that I’ve seen Schlinder’s List more than once and I’ve heard of Ingmar Bergman. I’ll admit that when it comes to NBA basketball, I am a genuine sports fan. I love the San Antonio Spurs. The only thing I don’t like about them is their idiotic slogan Go Spurs Go. Their public relations department should have come to me for a slogan. Just Because We Can Boast Several Players With Intelligence Quotients Higher Than 83, Doesn’t Mean We’re Pussies is unique and completely defines this championship team. While I love NBA basketball, I can’t watch the college games because at the end of the Final Four, there are always players sprawled on the court sobbing their eyes out. That’s too heart wrenching for me. When professional basketball players don’t get their championship rings, I see no reason to give a shit. Not when twenty-two-year-old LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers made $5,828,089.00 for the 2006-07 season. Perhaps he’d like to donate that $89 dollars to my favorite charity – the Kat Nove Relief Fund. I have gray hairs older than him and I’d have to work approximately 388 years to make that much money. So fuck him if he never wins the championship. There have been some excellent movies made about basketball. My favorite is Hoosiers. . It contains the classic formula for a sports movie – a team of underdogs led by a tantrum-throwing coach, who win against all odds. Memorable quote: Continue reading The Sports (Movie) Fan
I watch two hours of cable news every morning to get a jump-start on being irritated for the rest of the day. Even more annoying than the know-it-all and smug pundits, are the commercials shown that early. Acne medicine endorsed by has-been celebrities, an instrument used to clip the claws of a dog injected with tranquilizers, an invention guaranteed to remove dead skin cells that don’t understand the party’s over, and Shamwow! According to the Shamwow! spokesperson, it can soak up everything from cat urine to the bile which shot out of my mouth after I watched the next commercial. It’s seasonal, and has taken over most of the time allotted for selling crap. Imagine an office where three men in cubicles agonize over what to get their girlfriends for Valentine’s Day. The actors look nothing like any man I’ve ever seen in an office. They’re all attractive, which means once the shoot is done, they’ll be racing to pick out the perfect gift for their boyfriends. The woman are also unbelievable, with their perfect bodies, fake tits and manicured talons. As a former legal secretary, I can tell you those bitches have never typed a letter. Down the hall from the mail room appears another gay guy pushing a rolling cart with a box on it. The box has air holes and I perk up. Perhaps one of the whores pretending to be a hard-working secretary will receive a Tasmanian Devil which hasn’t been fed in three days. Those little guys are carnivores, right? One woman opened the box and squealed as if she’d stepped on two copulating cats. No crazed and snarling Australian furball emerged. Cooing like a flock of pigeons planning a shitfest over Congress, the three women bounced up and down while their six newly acquired boobies remained motionless. “Ooohh! He is so adorable!” Each woman’s red-painted mouth formed a perfect O and I began to see where this commercial was going. Continue reading Call Me a Romantic
I bought a 2010 Wonder Woman calendar this year. Growing up, I read hundreds of comic books – DC, not Marvel. I wish I still had those comics in pristine condition because if I’d had that much sense, I suspect I’d be living someplace better than a duplex in a less than desirable neighborhood. Last night my neighbors grilled in the driveway while playing loud mariachi music. I hate mariachi music. But I didn’t keep those comics and here I am, flipping through my Wonder Woman calendar. It’s pretty cool. I’m a fan of Wonder Woman, but it’s amazing to me how much she’s changed in the last 45 years. She’s sexy and resembles those animated chicks from the film Heavy Metal. I’ve changed as well. I went over to my daughter Nicole’s house today. We walked over to a nearby playground with my three-year old grandson Wiley. I tried to do a chin-up. My arms laughed at me. It took me over a minute to crawl into the entrance of the tube slide and on the way down Wiley jumped in, caught up with me and rammed both feet into my head. My butt had turned my slide into a slow scoot, like a dog with worms. I tried to jump on the merry-go-round after pushing it to spin it, and I damn near broke my back by slamming all my weight into a metal bar. Continue reading Wii Fit – Oh Shiit  Step Back or I'll Snap the Panda's Neck! I recently discovered Steven Seagal has been moonlighting as a Deputy Sheriff in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana for the last twenty years. There is now a reality show called Lawman which follows his antics as he snaps the necks of beer-gutted domestic abusers and baggy pants wearing marijuana dealers. All done with his eyes scrunched shut and a Southern drawl. Steven Seagal has always been a compelling figure in my life. Has anyone besides me seen the movie Executive Decision numerous times? Plot synopsis: Terrorists + hijacked 747 + bomb + nerve agent + mid-air transfer of Army Special Forces + Oliver Platt (who saves the day by chewing on straw) + Halle Berry (for tits and ass appeal) + Kurt Russel (in a tuxedo – naturally!) – Steven Seagal = Movie Magic. Steven Seagal plays his usual role as a squinty-eyed, bad motherfucker, Lt. Colonel Austin Travis. Isn’t it clever how by using only his name and without any background information, we all know he’s from Texas because of a scriptwriter’s penchant for the obvious? I’ve watched this movie over and over again because it contains my all-time favorite movie scene. This scene is my favorite for two reasons. Continue reading Wear Sunglasses, You No-Talent Buffoon
I did get some writing done and I’m reading a couple of good books. Richard graciously updated some things on this website. By “graciously” I mean there were fewer smug comments regarding my less than stellar computer skills. My goals for the rest of the week are to finish writing If I Can’t Wave Like a Princess I Must Be a Loser, post a few more entries here, organize my spare room, clean out my white-trash Toyota and cook something. Uh…now work is beginning to look good to me. Yeah, that’s crazy talk. If nothing else, my vacation will be a success because I’m not going to subject my boobs to the torture of a bra for five entire days! That’s right, Funbags! Perk up!
Not likely. After 54 new beginnings, I’ll never change. I’ll never mature. Would a mature woman watch South Park every night and impersonate Eric Cartman? “No, kitty! My pot pie!” A woman of my age with my income is supposed to wear polyester pantsuits – the stretchier the better. I may have a fat ass, but I wear faded jeans with holes in them. Mature women wear functional bras. I rip my bra off in the parking lot after work and would gladly strangle any customer who approaches me when I’m off the clock. A mature woman wouldn’t do what I did today. A co-worker from Pennsylvania informed me that the tradition in her home is to serve sauerkraut and pork on the first day of the year. I suggested sauerkraut tasted like cabbage boiled in dog urine, then stuffed up the ass of a week-long dead body, which is then eaten by a starving cat, who eventually shits it out. Apparently onto a plate at her house. She suggested the Southern tradition of eating black-eyed peas is gross. So, it’s another new year. Time to make and break resolutions. I have only one resolution this year, but it’s my own personal Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Let it go! That’s my resolution. But if I have to let go of all the anger – all the grudges – all the resentment – all the anxiety – all the fear – all the revenge schemes…where is it going to go? Continue reading New Year! New Me?
I meant other people’s eyeballs, never yours. M’kay? You are truly a great woman, and I am honored every time I kiss you. I love you, Kat Nove. Merry Christmas. Richard.  "I'm ashamed to ask, but would you please buy this mattress?" I’ve written a series of stories based on actual conversations I’ve had with Richard. The following is what happens when the end user and the computer tech work together on a project. I will mention I gave Richard an entire week to come up with some circus music for this podcast. |
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That lunatic Greg Crites! He’s recording this book for me and since I’m a bit slow getting the cover art to him, this is what he does. The joke is on him though. I can’t draw this well.
After working retail over the holidays (which this year lasted from August and won’t end until around June) I decided if I didn’t want my head to explode, I better take a few vacation days. My timing is always off though. No money. No trip to an exotic locale. And I woke up with a migraine this morning. Oh. And it rained all day. There went my walk.
Merry Christmas, Kat Nove. Thank you for your smile, your captivating good humor, and your beautiful eyes (disregard what I said the other night about eyeballs being gross).
Preview Global Swarming, the breakout new horror novel from Kat Nove and Greg Crites.
The Classic Electrician Pose, a genuine anomaly.