Here’s the deal. I love Halloween. It’s always been my favorite holiday. This may be because horror is my favorite genre. I like horror movies and I love to read horror by authors who know how to write it. I like to dress up.
The last few years I’ve dressed as a slacker because I want to wear pajama bottoms to work. This year a co-worker insisted we dress as zombies, even those she’s never read a zombie book or seen a zombie movie. (Poser!) This worked for me. Zombies are fun. The only problem was the walk home. I’m certain everyone driving by thought I was a crazy, homeless woman; even that chick sitting in front of her house whose wiener dog was dressed as a hot dog, complete with bun and mustard. (Yeah, I’m crazy.)
This zombie photo of me reflects how I feel these days. I’m tired; too tired to write several blog entries for a new series chronicling my adventures in walking. But please come back to read about Kat’s Death March or Getting in Shape Before Falling Off Bridge or whatever I decide to call the series. TEASER: Inadvertent flying without plane – a Grim experience – Calling all search parties.
“…it’s always something…” Roseanne Roseannadanna
When the old geezer isn't farting dust, he's attempting to commit vehicular manslaughter.
It’s time to say farewell to an old friend. Those who have read Waiting for Karl Rove know one of the main characters in the book is my white-trash Toyota. This faithful transport carried Jeni Decker and me halfway across the country in our search for Karl Rove. Buy the book if you want to know where we ended up waiting for him.
Yesterday, Methuselah’s grandfather sped through a red light and T-boned my car. It seemed a weird thing to do because there were other cars stopped at the red light. Maybe he’s dying and had been planning to run into a tree, but took a look at the white-trash Toyota and thought – The woman driving that piece of shit probably wishes she were dead. RAMMING SPEED!
It must have been during the spinning and crashing into an SUV pulling up to the intersection that I thought – What the fuck? I didn’t sign up for this carnival ride. His truck hit the passenger side of my car or I might be dead, or at least still internally bleeding after 24 hours.
For a car wreck, it turned out to be a fairly good experience. The witnesses were supportive; the police officers were great, and the paramedics humorless. One of them didn’t crack a smile when I made a tasteless joke about an ambulance ride being on my bucket list…as long as I’m not decapitated at the time. I guess my morbid sense of humor came too soon after the last headless body he transported. I don’t think these things out when I’m traumatized.
The accident happened in front of the bookstore I manage. One of my co-workers saw my car spinning and was the first to get to me. She expected to see lots of blood and compound fractures, and I think might have been a bit disappointed with my mediocre performance as a victim.
Continue reading →
129 days after Rick Perry issues proclamation calling for days of prayer to end drought. Either Kat Nove is walking on water or Guadalupe River has dried up.
As a Texan, I’m not going to blather on about what a lying, hypocritical, corporate suck-up Rick Perry is because there are already dozens of blogs discussing these things. I will mention that if Jesus is really in contact with Perry, the anti-capitalistic Jew probably whispered, “I said you’re a disgrace, not get in the race, you fucking asshat!”
Texas is full of millions of people just like Perry. Unfortunately for those of us who are not, two of the best Texans who ever lived are no longer with us.
The best vote I ever cast was for Ann Richards the first time she ran for Governor of Texas. I cannot believe George W. Bush defeated her when she ran for a second term. That’s another thing Karl Rove needs to apologize for.
The following are some quotes from my all-time favorite politician, Ann Richards.
I did not want my tombstone to read, ‘She kept a really clean house.’ I think I’d like them to remember me by saying, ‘She opened government to everyone.’
Continue reading →
Work is kicking my ass to the point where I fully expect to drop dead in front of a customer so rude he’ll probably kick me in the head and tell me to finish what I started so he can get home to abuse his wife. If that happens, I’ll never get to complete my bucket list.
Long ago when my skin was smooth, my breasts perky and my vocabulary limited by my ignorance of the value of a good blow job joke; I’d never heard of a bucket list. Today I’m retroactively scratching the following two items off from that period of my life.
Continue reading →
I’m rarely lucky.
I didn’t get that combination of genes that South-of-the-Border and I passed on to our daughter which gave her the most amazing eyelashes I’ve ever seen. My parents passed along bald eyelids to me. I quit wearing mascara years ago because I got tired of hunting for my eyelashes.
I’ve never won the lottery because I’ve always worked at jobs that are either low-paying, or the boss dies, or both. You can’t win if you don’t play is the not-so-subliminal message of the Texas Lottery Commission.
Tell that to my bank account Mr. Smarty Pants Texas Lottery Commission.
Don’t get me started on being unlucky at love. The other day when Richard called one of our gorgeous cats frumpy, I asked him if he knew what the word meant. He looked right at me and said, “I live with frumpy every day.”
Continue reading →
We’re not bestselling authors…yet. But the feedback we’re getting from people who have read Waiting for Karl Rove has been great! Everyone who emails us says they are telling everyone they know they have to read it!
Judging by the following photo, at least one person doesn’t like it. You would be able to see the profanity pouring from his mouth if we hadn’t covered it up!
Don't tell those losers at Fox News, but this is the funniest book I've ever read.
*Names used in this contract are same names used in Waiting for Karl Rove.
If I die or end up in a stupid coma/become a vegetable (I hope it’s a potato because I don’t want to be a rutabaga) then my half of the proceeds from sales of Waiting for Karl Rove shall be distributed as follows:
Ten percent (10%) shall be paid to the Remote Control Terrorist because of his help with the book. He would have received 25% if he happened to be a liberal. If the Remote Control Terrorist dies before I do (which is likely if he keeps turning on Fox News while I’m in the room) his share shall go to my daughter Mortified Daughter.
The remaining ninety percent (90 %) shall be paid to my daughter Mortified Daughter. If something should happen to her before I go down hard under a pile of crazed holiday shoppers on Black Friday, her portion shall go to her husband Mortified Daughter Defiler to benefit my grandchildren Pumpkinheads the Elder and Younger. If something happens to Mortified Daughter Defiler, like maybe Mortified Daughter divorces his ass and he marries a gold digging slut, then that money shall go in a trust fund for said Pumpkin Heads to be administered by my brother Sky King. If Sky King’s head explodes during a road rage event, then the trust shall be administered by my sister Preacher’s Wife. NO TITHING with the proceeds. If something happens to everyone, then I guess a meteor hit the earth so none of this matters. As long at the meteor doesn’t hit in 2012, I won’t much care as long as the nutjobs are proven wrong.
This official half of a contract between Jeni Decker* and Kat Nove is electronically signed on April 15, 2011 by:
Kat Nove (You don’t get to see my real name. There are plenty of people who can testify as to what it is and I frankly don’t care if it inconveniences them to go to Court because I’ll either be dead or a potato.)
Continue reading →
Who wouldn't want to read this book with Jeni Decker's amazing front and back covers?
While I’ve been stressing out over my four jobs (full-time, part-time, writing and blow) Jeni Decker has been busting her ass fixing my heinous formatting errors of Waiting for Karl Rove. I will never be able to repay her for all the hard work she’s put into this book unless you people out there (and by that, I mean everyone on the planet who owns a computer) buys a copy. It’s coming out in paperback in mid-April! It’s already out on Smashwords
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/47213
and UK Kindle.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Waiting-for-Karl-Rove/dp/B004SHNVR0
Continue reading →
Posted in Waiting for Karl Rove
|
Tagged Ann Coulter, David Letterman, David Sedaris, Dick Cheney, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Jeni Decker, Jon Stewart, Karl Rove, Kat Nove, Richard!!!, Sarah Palin, Waiting for Karl Rove, Wolf Blitzer
Drone on, Kat Nove
If you haven’t already read Once a Spy by New York Times bestselling author Keith Thomson, run out and buy a copy immediately! All those government cuts which have caused libraries to shorten hours are a good thing for the talented Mr. Thomson. The reason you need to run (yes, I meant it literally) is because the sequel is arriving in bookstores on March 8th. After you read the first one, I guarantee you won’t be able to wait to get your grubby little paws on a copy of Twice a Spy.
If you’re wondering about the flying saucer in the above photo, that’s Keith’s personal drone (pilotless aircraft operated by remote control) which he claims he’s named after me. The Kat Nove Drone. I like the sound of that! Especially since I’ve been another type of drone most of my life – a person who does tedious or menial work.
Click on the link to view Keith and his drone in action.
http://videos.al.com/birmingham-news/2011/03/keith_thomson_author_of_twice.html
Keith told me his drone can be weaponized after a quick trip to the hardware store. I’m wondering if I can persuade him to hover it outside Glenn Beck’s undisclosed fortress. When the Beckhead leader crosses the moat to go to work – KABOOM! Duct tape autographed by me traveling at 87 mph right across the kisser!
Improper use of the American flag
For anyone expecting this blog entry to contain my usual snarky shit (and occasional unnecessary alliteration) it does. But it also contains some serious matters. And why wouldn’t it? It’s about attending Richard’s father’s funeral.
Bob was cremated. To be laid to rest at Ft. Sam Houston Cemetery in San Antonio, the family had to wait almost two weeks.
Richard looked forward not to seeing his family, but for his family to see the brand new sign painted on the side of his truck. He recently passed the test to become a master electrician and the day before the funeral he had someone professionally apply the words which proclaimed his accomplishment to the entire world. The sign looks great – very tasteful. Unlike the homemade job we saw while eating breakfast at a Mexican restaurant that morning. That sign said NEED GUTTERS.
“It makes no sense,” said Richard, both outraged and smug at the same time. “It should at least have a question mark.”
Continue reading →
Here’s the deal. I love Halloween. It’s always been my favorite holiday. This may be because horror is my favorite genre. I like horror movies and I love to read horror by authors who know how to write it. I like to dress up.
